The Suicide Note I Never Wrote..

Life is temporary, Death is permanent.

To all those who believe committing suicide is a sin, I would like to show my middle finger to them. Reason? I am seeing people knowingly committing horrible sins in real life. So, no, suicide is not a sin at all! But, when you hear someone saying that they are “struggling mentally” and you think a pep talk or a motivational quote would solve their issue, then it’s a sin. I want you to know that struggle is the most real word in that phrase.

I believe that there are many more suicide notes than there are suicides. Almost everyone tries their hand at them at some point of time in their lives. We all write them in our heads if not on a piece of paper.

I never wrote a suicide note. Not because I did not want to, but because I want to know what will happen if I don’t commit suicide. I am little uncertain whether I will get to see things, people, the world, if I die. And that is one of the two reasons I am still breathing. The day I come to know from the experts with proof that one can see and enjoy things without being alive, I won’t take even a second to end my life. And that would be the day I believe when people would stop associating suicide with mental illness and depression.

Another reason (which became a reason only couple of years back) why I did not write a suicide note is because I happen to promise few things to someone in my life. And when I promised, little did I know that it would take another couple of years and a lot of “mental struggle” in order to fulfill those promises. To come to think of it now, I really don’t know if I will ever get a chance to fulfill those promises. The waiting period never gets over. Patience has lost itself. Hope has started asking me to prepare myself for the worst.

Suicide doesn’t happen overnight. It’s a silent outburst of series of incidents that happens one after the other and you stop seeing any kind of light at the end of the tunnel. When that happens, you are left with no choice but to embrace darkness. Darkness becomes a permanent resident inside you. It engulfs you. And by the time you realize, you start getting used to the darkness. You become emotionless. Lifeless. Tears get dried. You get acclimatized to all the negativity happening around. That’s where the seed of suicide starts germinating.

So did I actually end up writing a suicide note when the heading of my write-up is otherwise? To know, let’s do something that I have been doing since last four years; Wait & Watch…